I’ve sailed the seas
On the breath of the ocean breeze!
Battled some flaming Keese
Fought my way through the Tower of Gods!
Met the Fairy Queen
A fat little man in green!
Rode the winds through the sky…
Fed a fish-man guy!
Won tons of rupees!
PATRON: Hey Zelda!
LINK: It’s Link
PATRON: Tell us about that one time you found the Wand of Gamelon
LINK: I don’t know what you’re talking about
I smashed a thousand pots!
And fired some cannon shots!
I thwarted all Ganon’s plots!
Just using a sword and a wand! (YEAH!)
Made a Rito friend!
While tugging Valoo’s rear end!
Learned a sword-spin technique!
Found a boat that speaks
And turns into a-
PATRON: It’s the dread pirate Tetra!!!
TETRA: Milkshake. …What are you looking at, Fairy Boy?
LINK: (quiet) Well exCUSE ME, princess…
GILLIAN: Miss Tetra, how has your expedition been going?
We set sail for Greatfish Isle
But were caught inside a storm!
Where a giant squid attacked us
And forced our ship ashore!
We stole bombs for all our cannons!
Then set out into the sea!
Where a thousand sharks were waiting-
Which we blew to smithereens!
We were caught inside a cyclone!
But we managed to get free!
We pulled up a hefty treasure
With a Piece of Heart or Three!
Then we stumbled on a Ghost Ship (Hoo! Ha!)
Based on phases of the moon! (Hoo! Ha!)
When we ravaged all it had, its hulls (Hoo! Ha!)
Were full of gold doubloons! (Hoo! Ha!)
LINK: Oh, weird. All I found in it was a treasure chart
PATRON: Hooray for Zelda!
TETRA AND LINK: It’s Link!
GILLIAN: Why, Mister Ganondorf. You look like you’re having a pretty… average day…
GANONDORF: I’ll take one of everything. (pointing) On that guy’s tab
GILLIAN: What’s bothering you, G?
Forty guys dead
And I don’t know Why-
All my treasures are gone-
All my plans are awry!
Someone messed up my bird-
All these girls have gone free
And there’s a snotty green twerp-
LINK: Hey, you looking’ for ME?
GANONDORF: WHAT THE-
PATRON: GO ZELDA!
ALL: IT’S “LINK!”
I took my sister back!
I need her pointy ears!
You took her by mistake!
HEY, IT’S BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS!
…Sheesh, get with the times…
Go ride your stupid boat!
Go change into a pig!
Go slash a dozen Cuccos!
Shave your beard! Ride some birds!
Bleach your skin! Learn some words!
Just prepare for owning!
The wind is blowing…